I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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