i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
