YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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