I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
