omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
