just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
