Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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