My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
