My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
