that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.