I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
