i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
