We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
