dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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