theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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