Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We're too hungover to prance.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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