a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
