yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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