I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
