Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
