Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
