you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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