Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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