it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
