you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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