If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
