I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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