A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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