Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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