I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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