My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
