he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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