My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
