I accidentally had phone sex last night
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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