made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I love having hate sex.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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