i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
