proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
