Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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