She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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