I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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