If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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