Everything about him screamed your future.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
