I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
