Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
