i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
