If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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