At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
