you have to choose: penises or morals?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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