ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
