Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
