Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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