I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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