Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
