I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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