Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
